Feeling music

Oh you can wait

But I’ve waited for so long

I’ve listened to the radio everyday, waiting to hear that song

I can’t put my finger on which one

Just one that makes me feel

A memory from my childhood

Or something that wasn’t real

Something once created in my head

Which my mind is trying to claw back

Reminiscing on things that weren’t even said

In a pantomime that I have to act

Maybe the smell of freshly cut grass

Before school when I’d open my window

Or walking to work on that same path

That I first heard Take Care years ago

When Mom used to play Aretha Franklin

She’d say a little prayer for me

Now even when I’m panicking

I can hear it playing so clearly

Morning walks with wet hair

I never learned my lesson

I can’t catch a cold out there

If I welcome it as a blessing

Maybe Blackbird by the Beatles

Or Cherry Wine by Hozier

The sound of birds could defeat it all

Or maybe I just need some closure

Redbone by Gambino

Or even Feels like Summer

As even goosebumps I feel, though

That warmth is never far from her

Stay or go

I’m too scared to go and everyone around me is moving

I’ve watered my flowers but now they’re not blooming

Visions of myself staying and leaving

Living in the unknown or living here not breathing

I can’t do it alone

I’m so far from home

So removed from myself I can’t see clearly

Uncertainty is moving closer and it’s moving fiercely

I just want to laugh

I just want to love

I just want to live simply

I just want to hug

I want to breathe again and to feel that clarity

Inhale sunshine rainbows and all the things I want to see

These dark thoughts aren’t me

But they come so closely

They’re messing with my identity

I know I want to give love and feel it in return

That’s the clearest notion I ever did learn

My love for animals and my love for life

My urge to succeed and need to survive

The love for my boyfriend and my family so great

I need to get back to a place where it’s safe

Love yourself and others, always.

Let me start off by saying, none of us have it figured out. We have been put this Earth for reasons unknown to us, but what we do know is that we live amongst each other and we are all that we have. With this little, but crucial, piece of knowledge – it is only right that we spread kindness and look after one another. We become unwell physically and we go to the hospital and they assess us and we get the right treatment. We become unwell mentally and we go the hospital and they assess us and tell us to relax and come back when we have a diagnosis. What they do not tell us is, it is okay to not have it figured out. How the f**k can I explain to you what’s going on in my head if I have no idea myself, all I know is I don’t feel right. So, let me figure it out myself. Let me take a breather and figure out how to mend my mind. Let me quit my job of 2 years and start from fresh. Let me try and be outside in nature, I can’t truly recognise beauty until I am surrounded by it. Let me take a bath, but wash my hair as well and drown it in conditioner and brush it gently. Let me drop anyone who doesn’t make time for me, that being friends – or family. Lets spread kindness, even when the world feels mean, because it’ll make you feel good. Mental Health is complex, it is not a broken wrist or bone, it is layers and layers of emotions all wrapped around each other and jumbled up which don’t make sense. Please don’t spend ages trying to figure out what your label is, we don’t have labels, we were born with a name and a choice to make whatever identity we wanted, our Mental Health is connected to that, but we cannot be branded and defined by it. Do what is right by you, do your best, do something you’ve always wanted too. If you don’t want to do that, then that is fine. Lets embrace our Mental Health, please do not be embarrassed or ashamed. Your mind can work against you, you will create this identity and life and sometimes your mind will rip that down, it won’t let you see friends, go on holiday, eat certain foods, go certain places – so let’s not put pressure on ourselves to keep a persona. Let go of the past. Go with the changes happening around you. Always remember that if you can’t do any of this, then that is still ok. Choose what suits you and your mind. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself and others. Always. 

I used my favourite soap today, 

I had been saving it for a rainy day,

Life had become a little mundane,

And I needed something to keep me sane, 

Vanilla enriched with honey should seal the deal,

Just to make me smell as good as I feel,

 

I didn’t go into work today, 

When they asked me why I didn’t know what to say,

I just told them I had been sick,

So now I’ve got 8 hours free to take my pick, 

I think I’ll sit outside all day,

So that my emotions I do not need to convey,

 

I went for a coffee with a friend today,

I couldn’t wait to get away,

I told her everything – and didn’t downplay,

She said everything would be ok, 

A milky latte and a piece of cake,

Will take away this heart ache, 

 

I didn’t want to drive into work today,

Something in me said it wasn’t okay, 

But I drove into work today,

I ignored the feelings and went anyway,

I ended up having the best day today,

All because my friend decided not to stray,

I drove into work today,

All because my friend told me it would be ok.

A mental artist

Hey guys, I am going to be very honest and real with you all, so I hope you appreciate it.

I didn’t want my blog to become really mental health orientated, because it was supposed to be used as a platform to share my poetry, but ironically, suffering with my mind has made my poetry really mental health orientated! Now, I’m going to explain some things I have been going through, and I don’t expect anyone to understand if they haven’t experienced it – but it is very scary and very strange. I want to talk about it because when it first started happening, I had no idea it even existed and genuinely thought I was going crazy, I even googled it and not much came up 4 years ago – but now I am seeing more and more articles about it, which is so amazing. DEREALISATION. A very scary and very real symptom of anxiety, it’s different for so many people but it is how it affects you, I remember when it first started happening I could only describe it as being in a bubble, or like a pane of glass was in front of me, it then progressed to me looking at things and not recognising them – everything looked the same but it felt different. Once, I looked out my window and everything looked like it had been painted, thus my next poem, being trapped inside a painting. It’s became a part of my life and I am living with it, it doesn’t define me, I am living perfectly and normally – but I cannot begin to tell you how hard it was when I had no clue what it was, so if anyone is feeling the same, I have experienced it so drop me a message please. You’ve got to learn to love yourself no matter what is going on inside your head, it’s taken me years to be honest with myself and everyone else, because you feel embarrassed, you want to be strong and you feel weak, but there’s nothing stronger than fighting a battle with your mind everyday. So, to me derealisation feels like I am stuck inside a painting, what does it feel like to you?

It isn’t what I imagined being stuck inside a painting,
I heard that art was beautiful, but for now I am waiting,
You said you painted gold on the canvas but I can only see black,
Every brush stroke of delicacy will only reveal a crack,
Michel, you said you painted an angel,
Oh, it’s a red figure and I can’t see a halo,
Andy, I am trying to be at peace but I am fighting a war,
The hole is getting bigger and I’ve fallen in it once more,
The beauty of this painting I so desperately want to explore,
Now please explain the painting to me once more,
You’ve painted a tree but I can see it in 3D,
The branches are swaying and waving at me,
I can’t work out the colour of the leaves,
You said they are green, but my brain it deceives,
My mind has painted a picture itself,
No matter how hard I look, I see something else,
Your art is beautiful, but to be free I must follow,
For now just paint da’ other one, Kahlo